Are you tired of chasing someone who is emotionally avoidant?
If you’re wondering if you’ll ever have a normal relationship with them, I totally get it. Just when you think you’ve made a breakthrough, they pull away for the hundredth time!
It’s frustrating, to say the least, which is why you’re probably thinking about pulling back yourself. But what happens when you stop chasing an avoidant? Does it fix things? Do they start chasing you?
Read on to find out:
1) They’ll feel relief
Here’s the truth about avoidants:
- Yes, they have a fear of emotional intimacy
- Yes, they keep freaking out about the relationship
- Yes, they keep pulling back
- No, they don’t want to be chased
Look, some people love being chased, it makes them feel special.
In fact, because of all the romantic movies and novels out there, they think that being chased is a sign of how much someone cares about them.
They play hard to get and if the other person pursues them, it means that they love and value them. But if they don’t come after them, it means they don’t care.
This is what I thought when I was younger. When I’d get into a fight with a boyfriend, I’d wait for them to come running after me and tell me that they’re sorry and can’t live without me.
But enough about me, let’s get back to avoidants. They absolutely hate being chased!
I mean think about it, they’re scared of being intimate with someone because it would mean leaving themselves open to being hurt.
And how can they avoid getting hurt? By being alone, of course. That’s why they feel safest when left alone.
So, the first thing that happens when you stop chasing an avoidant is that they sigh in relief. The danger of being close to someone has finally subsided!
2) They enjoy their space
Don’t they care that you’re not chasing them? Aren’t they wondering what’s changed?
Aren’t they scared you’ll leave them?
Not one bit!
They’re totally into their newly found freedom.
The way they see it, they no longer have to deal with your questions (Where were you? Don’t you care about me? Where is this going), expectations (Will we get married?), and emotions.
In short, they no longer feel suffocated, it’s great!
This period of bliss can last for quite a while, until…
3) Finally, they start to worry
It’s like they’ve just realized that something is off.
Maybe you haven’t broken up, but you’ve stopped chasing them and being the one to reach out first.
Now they’re starting to worry – what if you’re really angry with them? What if you decide to break it off? Worse yet, what if you’ve found someone better?
Or maybe you did break up with them. And while at first they thought “good riddance”, now their fear of abandonment is starting to kick in.
They’re starting to feel lonely and they miss having you around whenever they need you.
There are two ways this can go:
4) They get used to life without you
Eventually, they get used to you not being there all the time. They miss you less and less. They tell themselves that it’s for the best.
Things haven’t been great between you and anyway, if you hadn’t stopped chasing them, they were planning on breaking up with you.
Life’s much better when they’re alone, less complicated.
Basically, they’ll embrace their independence and keep coming up with reasons why it’s good that you both go your separate ways.
The truth is that this is the most likely thing to happen. But who knows, maybe …
5) They reach out
Let’s be clear about one thing: the chances of them reaching out and chasing you are quite low, but not impossible.
I don’t want to give you false hope, that’s all.
Even though an avoidant doesn’t need you and feels better on their own, every once in a while they’ve been known to make an effort and maybe even apologize for their behavior.
So, does that mean you can live happily ever after with an avoidant?
Sadly, no.
The fact that they feel bad and try to make the relationship work doesn’t mean they’re cured.
In fact, before you know it, they’ll start freaking out about your relationship again – they’ll panic about committing and they’ll be looking for excuses to break it off.
Being an avoidant is an endless cycle:
- They want someone to love them
- They find someone and are over the moon
- They start to think that something’s wrong with the relationship
- They think about bailing
- They break it off (or their behavior makes the other person break it off)
- They’re happy to be free
- They start to feel lonely
- And they’re back to square 1
But what about you? What happens to you when you stop chasing an avoidant?
6) You’re more self-aware
We’ve looked at how an avoidant might feel or react when you stop chasing them. Now it’s time to see how that change in behavior will affect you.
And guess what?
It’s actually pretty good for you.
When you take a step back from someone who is emotionally avoidant, it gives you a chance to focus on yourself and become more aware of your own feelings and thoughts.
It also gives you the opportunity to discover what it is that you need and want out of both a relationship and life.
Think about all that time and energy that was being spent on trying to get someone to love you the way that you want and need to be loved – now being directed inwards at yourself!
7) Your relationships improve
Best of all, you’ve now got more time for your friends and family.
It’s crazy how invested we get in romantic relationships and how much of ourselves we give to the person we’re in love with. We tend to forget the outside world – we hardly make time for our friends and family.
And when the person is an avoidant, it’s even worse – we get totally lost in trying to convince them that they should change for us, that we’re different, that we’re worth it…
Anyway, now that you’re no longer pursuing an avoidant, you can touch base with the people who really care about you and make up for lost time.
It’s important to nurture relationships with people who are emotionally available and who’re always there for you.
8) You’re more confident
No real surprise there.
I mean, of course you’re going to be more confident when you take a step back from an emotional avoidant.
Having to chase someone and try to convince them to love you and stay with you is terrible for your self-confidence.
It means constantly questioning your own worth and asking yourself, “What’s wrong with me?” and “Am I really so unloveable?”
Even if you’re aware of the fact that you’re with an emotional avoidant, you can’t help but wonder why…
9) You find emotional stability
There’s something else.
Chasing an avoidant was raising havoc when it comes to your emotions!
I mean, you cried at least once a day. You’d find yourself anxious and impatient when talking to other people.
And worst of all, you were depressed. You’d have days when you’d wonder what the point of getting out of bed was.
They really messed with your head.
Now that you’re no longer chasing them, you’re feeling better. You seem to have found your emotional stability once again.
10) You have time to chase your dreams
Let’s face it, you’ve wasted too much time already chasing someone who’s incapable of loving and being loved.
So, instead of chasing an avoidant, you can now chase your dreams.
- What did you want to do before you fell in love with an avoidant?
- What were your goals?
Time to get back to living your life.
Get back to your studies or your career. Plan that road trip you’ve been talking about for years.
Whatever it is that you want to do, you now have the time and energy to get it done.
Sounds good, right?
11) You realize you want something else in your life
With so many positive changes taking place once you stop chasing an avoidant, maybe you realize that you’re better off without them in your life.
Having regained your confidence and found a feeling of self-worth once again, you’re starting to think that you deserve more out of life.
You deserve to be with someone who thinks you’re really special, who loves you, and who is committed to making your relationship work.
And who knows?
Maybe you’ll realize that you don’t want what you thought you wanted, you want something different, something better.
12) You find a healthier and more meaningful relationship
Don’t look back at the time you spend with an avoidant as “wasted time”. Every failed relationship is a chance to learn something about yourself.
Now it’s time to find someone who is emotionally mature.
Don’t rush, take your time getting to meet new people. And when you do meet someone you like, make sure that they have the qualities your avoidant was lacking.
Finally, enjoy your healthy new relationship and be happy.
What next?
Now that you’ve stopped chasing an avoidant, you can:
1) Focus on yourself
- The benefits of self-care: Chasing an avoidant can be both time-consuming and emotionally straining. That’s why when you finally stop chasing them, you need to give yourself some TLC.
Self-care includes anything that makes you feel happy, relaxes you, and recharges your batteries.
You can start by lighting some scented candles and taking a nice long bath.
Then, you might wanna think about meditation, yoga, going on a holiday, or spending time in nature.
- Hobbies and interests: When you were chasing your avoidant person, you were probably focused on what they liked and wanted to do. Now, you’re free to pursue your own hobbies and interests.
This is a great way to focus on yourself.
Whether you want to learn how to tap dance or you’re interested in pursuing extreme ironing (yes, it’s a thing, Google it!), there’s nothing and no one to stop you.
Trust me, by focusing on your own interests, you can finally find something that is just yours and isn’t tied to your relationships.
- Friends and family: This is another good way to focus on yourself after you stop chasing an avoidant person.Friends and family will give you the love and support you need as well a sense of belonging that has been missing with your avoidant.
And another thing: Spending time with your loved ones can be a great distraction from any lingering feelings for the avoidant person – especially if your relationship status is still unclear.
2) Deal with unresolved feelings
- Talk to a therapist or someone you trust: Whether you’ve stopped chasing an avoidant and are waiting to see what they’ll do next, or you want nothing more to do with them, it’s possible that you still have some unresolved feelings.
Talking to someone will help you gain some perspective and help you process your emotions.
You can always count on a friend or close family member to listen to you and give you words of comfort, whereas a therapist can help you figure out why you were chasing an avoidant person in the first place (check out attachment style further down).
- Self-reflection: Have you ever kept a journal? It’s a great way to focus on yourself and deal with any unresolved feelings.
You see, by writing down your thoughts and feelings, you’re able to gain clarity and insight into your emotions. It’s also a useful tool for exploring what you learned from the relationship so far and what you want moving forward.
- Move on: If you’ve stopped chasing an avoidant and decided that you want to move on from that relationship for good, then you need to be able to let go of any anger and resentment that you feel to get closure and move on with your life.
3) Recognize your attachment style
- Attachment theory: So, attachment theory suggests that the way we form attachments with others throughout our lives is shaped by our early childhood experiences.
As I mentioned earlier, I think it would be a good idea to talk to a therapist. They can help you identify and understand your attachment style, give you insight into what attracted you to an avoidant person to begin with, and help you work on your issues.
- Past relationships: Another way to recognize your attachment style is to reflect on past relationships.
Think about any patterns and recurrent themes present in all your past relationships and how they may have been influenced by your attachment style.
- Doing the work: Recognizing your attachment style will help you work on your attachment issues.
This might include therapy (highly recommended), self-reflection, and learning to set boundaries in current and future relationships.
4) Navigate potential setbacks
- Moments of weakness: Here’s the deal, when you stop chasing an avoidant, there are bound to be moments of weakness where you’ll feel tempted to start chasing them again.They may be triggered by a moment of loneliness, a memory, a social media post, or even a cheesy movie.Learning to recognize these triggers as moments of weakness can help you stay strong.
- Staying strong: There are several things you can do to stay strong when navigating potential setbacks.This includes a lot of the points mentioned above, such as pursuing your hobbies and talking to someone. You might also want to focus on work or a project to keep your mind occupied.You should also have a plan in place to help you cope in moments of weakness – such as reminding yourself of all the reasons why you stopped chasing the avoidant.
- Feelings of rejection: The truth is that you may experience some feelings of rejection when you stop chasing an avoidant.But let’s face it, you’ve been feeling rejected for a long time, I mean, how else can you feel with an avoidant?
You need to know that you’re not alone and that none of this is your fault. Avoidants have their own issues that were there long before you and unless they work on them, they’ll keep being avoidant.
It may help you to practice self-compassion and self-love, and to reframe your thoughts.
5) Learn from the experience
- Identify your needs and desires: Once you stop chasing an avoidant, you reflect on your own needs and desires in a relationship and life in general. Take some time to think about what is important to you and what you are looking for in a partner.Does your avoidant have those qualities?
- Boundaries: Avoidant or not, it’s always a good idea to know how to set healthy boundaries in relationships.For example, you might want to set a limit on how much time and energy you invest in a relationship.
You might also want to be clear about what you are looking for in a relationship and when it’s time to move on.
- Moving forward: Chasing an avoidant wasn’t a waste of time. Maybe you’ll be the exception and make them realize how much they actually want to be with you, maybe not. But that’s ok, because every failed relationship is a learning opportunity.Now that you’ve focused on yourself, dealt with unresolved feelings, worked on any unresolved issues, set boundaries, learned to navigate setbacks, and identified your needs and desires, you can move forward with or without your avoidant with a greater sense of self-awareness and self-confidence.
