I’m sure many of you can relate to this one. You’re dating a guy who seems perfect. He texts constantly, says all the right things, makes you feel like a princess and talks about the future. Before you know it you’re daydreaming what your name and his surname will sound like and about to suggest the idea of buying a puppy together. All the signs are there – he must be THE ONE!
And then boom. He stops replying to your messages (hi the blue whatsapp tick of anxiety), he suddenly seems less interested, he’s not following up on all of these future plans or he completely disappears. And you know he hasn’t died (let’s be honest, we’ve all used the ‘OMG maybe something terrible has happened to him?!’ line to try and justify the behaviour) because he was active on Facebook just 1 mere hour ago.
These my friends, are the classic signs of an emotionally unavailable man. Unfortunately it’s really easy to get swept away by guys like this (or girls – this isn’t exclusive to emotionally unavailable men but I’m just drawing on my own experiences here), because they’re so damn good at pulling out all the stops when it comes to the first part of dating and making you feel like the only girl in the world. So how do you stop falling for the emotionally unavailable man and the inevitable mini heartbreak that ensues afterwards? Well, you have to learn to spot the red flags.
As women, connection is so important to us. It’s amazing how it pulls us in and catches us unaware. Some guys can be Olympic standard pros at building the connection. They share (or overshare) all their goals, dreams and probably, problems with us. We feel like they ‘really opened up’ to us. But that can be confused by someone who is using building a connection to conceal the fact that what they want long-term is actually, something far from er…long-term. Someone who talks intensely about the future just a few dates in, is more likely fantasising about it. They want the quick fix of feeling it and feeling emotionally connected. They get their fix by being their pristine self and rapidly bringing you into their world. But whilst we’re then searching for puppies on Craigslist, they’ve already checked out and right swiping on Tinder.
Sometimes, it’s just a case of him not being in the right frame of mind for anything long-term. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s this; if a guy tells you he isn’t ready for a relationship, he means it. There’s no subliminal subtext that means he really wants you to stick around and nurture his unavailability. You won’t be the girl that can change him. Ain’t nobody got time for that challenge. That’s not your responsibility. If he wants to change, only he can do that. So it’s up to you whether you stay in something that he only sees as short-term and be ok with that or walk away. Sometimes men also put pressure on themselves to have everything else figured out in their lives before they can commit. This is all well and good but you have to know your boundaries and act on them. Don’ t drop them for someone who is basically telling or showing you that they’re not on the same page as you. There are no hidden messages. He means it.
To avoid these types of dating scenarios, which can leave us heartbroken or just plain fed up with the opposite sex and considering running off to the nearest nunnery, you have to be emotionally conscious and aware. It’s not about placing blame, bitching or becoming detached yourself in fear that if you let someone in they’ll hurt you. It’s just staying in control and having a very realistic view of what’s going on. Not putting people on a pedestal and being a little cautious if they’re talking about the future a couple of dates in, going overboard on the compliments and generally seeming too good to be true. It sounds unromantic but really, it’s just being a bit savvy. You can only believe that someone will do what they say when they do it.
So just be wary and take a small step back to review if you feel like you’re falling faster than what is probably realistic. If you have dated someone who is emotionally unavailable and they’ve hurt you, don’t go into crazy victim mode (“how could he do this, I thought he was different, all men are the same” etc etc…) because they’ll be dealing with their stuff. But that isn’t your problem. Just be aware of the signs, know your boundaries and stick to them. By doing this, you’ll go for and attract people more clued up in the emotional availability department.
And believe me, the good news is that there are plenty of them out there!
