10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity
So you’ve decided to reconcile after your spouse cheated on you with someone else?
That decision in and of itself is already an indicator of what a strong person you are.
Now, in order to make this difficult time just a tad easier on you, I’ll show you what marriage reconciliation mistakes you should avoid after infidelity.
These will help you make this tough chapter a bit better.
1) Don’t ask too many questions, but ask the necessary ones
If your spouse is willing to talk about what happened, great, but don’t ask them about all the gory details.
You see, there are some questions that undoubtedly need to be asked right away, so be sure to ask the necessary questions like:
- What happened?
- Why did this happen?
- How did it happen?
- Did you really love them?
- Did you really want to be with them?
- Did you ever think about leaving me for them?
- How long did it go on?
These are all important questions that you need to know the answers to.
Now, I know it might be tempting at first, but asking about all the details of what your spouse did and didn’t do with them will not help you move on from this experience.
The truth is, after having the necessities covered, the details don’t matter.
All that will do is paint a super vivid mental picture for you, and you want to avoid that at all costs.
2) Don’t rush the process
As I said, you need time to process what happened and experience the full range of emotions that will spring up within you.
You might feel sad, angry, disgusted, confused, ashamed and everything in between.
But what’s not normal is trying to push down those emotions.
You see, when you do that, you hold onto them and let them dictate how you feel, how you live, and how you treat your spouse or significant other.
You need to let go of these overwhelming emotions and learn to let them go.
When you do, you’ll be able to process what happened and move on.
You and your spouse need to communicate about this. You need to let them know that you need time to let go.
And most importantly, they need to respect that. You both need to let go together because you cannot move forward if you don’t let go of the past.
But you need to give yourself time.
This is not something you will heal overnight, and not even something you will heal within a few months.
For many couples, it takes 1-2 years to start feeling normal again, so whatever you do, give yourself some time.
What would a relationship coach tell you?
While the points in this article will help you deal with betrayal, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice tailored to the specific issues you’re facing in your love life.
Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people navigate complex and difficult love situations, like infidelity. They’re popular because they genuinely help people solve problems.
Why do I recommend them?
Well, after going through difficulties in my own love life, I reached out to them a few months ago.
After feeling helpless for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship, including practical advice on how to overcome the issues I was facing.
I was blown away by how genuine, understanding, and professional they were.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice specific to your situation.
3) There is no point in taking revenge
You might have been hurt, embarrassed, and betrayed by your spouse.
They might have hurt you in the worst possible way.
But there is no point in taking revenge, especially when you are planning to reconcile.
Whatever you do now will not change the past.
It will only make things worse.
If you decide to divorce your spouse after they cheated on you, that is completely fine.
But if you decide to hurt your spouse with words or actions, you will just be hurting yourself in the long run.
You see, I don’t believe that revenge is ever the right approach to infidelity.
In case you don’t want to reconcile, divorce is all you can really do.
Sure, you might have big emotions and it’s okay to let these out in one way or another, but hurting your spouse will not make you feel that much better, in the end, trust me.
And if you want to reconcile, revenge will just widen that disconnect between you two.
You will be hurting your husband or wife, and you know what?
If that is the point at which you are, then maybe you shouldn’t reconcile! Maybe it’s better to split and take time apart because you want to be in a healthy relationship.
4) Don’t force yourself to let it go
If you are not ready to let it go, you don’t have to force yourself to do so.
Simply put, if you are not ready to forgive your spouse, don’t force yourself to do so.
You are probably not ready to let go of the anger you feel towards your spouse, so don’t try to pretend that you are.
It’s completely normal if you can’t or don’t want to let it go.
If you can’t let it go, try talking to a therapist. They can help you process your emotions and help you let go of the past.
They can also help you work through the difficulty of your relationship.
However, one thing that really helps a lot of people is realizing that letting it go and forgiving your spouse has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you.
You see, even if you don’t reconcile, you should still forgive them for what they did because that will set you free from the anger and resentment that ruins your day.
Now: forgiving them does not mean that you are saying what they did was okay.
But it does mean that you are letting go of the anger and resentment.
You see, forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened. It’s about letting go of the pain and finding peace again.
If you are not ready to forgive your spouse, don’t force yourself to do so or pretend that you are ready to let it go when you’re not.
If you can’t forgive them for what they did, then there is no point in trying to reconcile with them. You will only be hurting yourself even more and hurting your relationship as a result.
Forgiveness is crucial in order to move on from this betrayal, whether that’s with or without your partner.
5) Try to spot your triggers and work on coping with them
If you have trust issues, you probably have triggers.
If you are in a relationship with someone who has cheated or has been unfaithful, you probably have triggers.
What triggers you have will depend on what happened and how you were affected by the infidelity.
You need to recognize your triggers and know how to cope with them.
When you are in a relationship with a spouse who has cheated, you will have a lot of triggers, especially in the very beginning.
You might even have them with your spouse.
For example, you might have a date night with your spouse, and it will trigger your fears of them leaving you again.
Now: triggers can actually be really useful when you know how to utilize them.
Essentially, they are nothing more but a roadmap to your wounds – they show you exactly where you haven’t fully healed yet!
So, identifying your triggers and learning from them is an excellent way to slowly heal from this betrayal.
When you experience a trigger, try to remind yourself that you are safe at this moment and that you are simply reliving the past right now.
Try to stay calm and take deep breaths, and remind yourself that this is a new day.
As time goes by, your triggers will become less and less frequent.
6) If you have kids, don’t involve them
Kids are too young to experience what happened. They are too small and too naive to know what happened.
And most importantly, they don’t need to know what happened. They don’t need to be used in the process of reconciliation.
If you have kids and your spouse cheated on you, don’t involve them in your marriage reconciliation process.
This is something that you and your spouse need to work on between the two of you.
That being said, if you have kids, you and your spouse need to work together to get your relationship on the right path and in the right direction.
Now, if your kids are older, they might notice that something is up between you two, however, even then, I don’t think it’s always a good idea to tell them the details of what you are going through.
The children should stay out of these things and most importantly, they should never be used against your partner.
7) Seek some help
This is for two people who are in a relationship after infidelity. If you and your spouse decide to reconcile and you feel like you need some help, get help.
If you have gone through infidelity and are trying to reconcile, you probably need to get some help.
You need a therapist to help you work through all that has happened to you and your spouse.
You see, you and your spouse both need to work on your relationship and your communication, and without help, that can be really challenging.
You both need to learn new ways of communicating and dealing with each other.
A therapist is literally trained in this field and can give you communication techniques and exercises that will help you and your spouse to get through all of this.
This is a difficult situation and there is no shame in getting some help to get through all of this.
8) Limit the number of people you tell about what happened
After your spouse cheated on you, there are so many people you want to tell.
You want to talk about it. You want to vent about it. You want to cry about it.
I get it.
If you have a therapist, talk to them.
If you have a couple of close friends, go to them.
And if you have a family member you can trust, tell them.
It’s important to have a third party to talk about these kinds of things, no doubt about it, but don’t tell the whole world.
Keep it off of social media and don’t even tell all of your friends and family.
Don’t tell your co-workers at work.
This is an important step to help you heal and move forward.
You see, if you tell everyone about how terrible your spouse was, reconciliation will be a lot harder.
Not only will all of your friends and family have a strong opinion about your partner now, but they will also offer you all kinds of advice, oftentimes not really thinking about what’s best for you, but rather what they feel the strongest about.
Having a few trusted individuals to who you can open up is really important, you shouldn’t keep it completely to yourself.
If you don’t have anyone like that, you can keep a journal. Let the words out on paper.
Or you can make a video, and record your thoughts and feelings.
You don’t have to open up and share your story with everyone you know. You just want to get it off your chest and let it out for a little while.
9) Find ways to navigate fights and arguments with your partner
If you and your spouse are still having fights and arguments about the betrayal, you’re probably not done with your reconciliation process.
You need to learn how to navigate those fights and arguments with one another and with your partner.
You need to learn how to communicate and be present with your spouse.
I know it’s hard, but you need to learn how to hear what they’re saying to you.
And vice versa, you need to learn how to express yourself and be heard by them.
Turns out you should learn how to do this calmly and not resort to just saying something like, “You always do this!”
Finding ways to communicate with your spouse is crucial. You need to learn how to fight and argue with each other in a healthy way.
A good way to go about this is by talking about that while you are currently on good terms and discussing how to act in case of an argument.
Maybe, when things get heated you can agree to take some time to go on a walk or cool off before returning to the conversation.
Knowing your coping mechanisms for when you argue can help you keep the arguments much healthier and more productive.
Trust me, when you learn how to fight in a productive way and not in a way that is destructive, you will have a much better chance at reconciliation.
10) Remember that you can take all the time you need and change your mind at any point
You have been hurt deeply and you do not have to get back together with your spouse.
You have been hurt deeply, and you can take your time to heal.
And most importantly, you can take your time to decide if you want to reconcile or not.
If you feel like you need more time to heal, take it.
If you feel like you need more time to process what happened, don’t hesitate to ask for it.
If you feel like you need more time to decide if you want to reconcile, take all the time you need.
Honestly, if your partner is serious about you and wants to reconcile, they will be patient and wait for you to make a decision.
Sometimes, it takes a few weeks or even a couple of months to decide whether you even can move past this.
I mean, at the beginning it really doesn’t feel like it, so how can you possibly make a decision?
So, take all the time you need and don’t worry about taking too long.
You will be okay
No matter what you end up deciding, you will be okay.
Working things out with your partner can lead to a beautiful relationship, maybe even better than it was before.
And deciding to end things will open up the opportunity for new relationships that fulfill you.
So, either way, you will be okay, but it’s okay to not be okay right now.