The break up was impersonal and over the phone. I was about to go on a camping trip with my friends, and me and my boyfriend we were fighting over something dumb—again. It was a long distance thing that had been fun at first, but lately things were getting weird.
Then he did it. He mentioned wanting to spend time with another girl. As if it was no big deal.
“Wait, are you breaking up with me?” He didn’t seemed phased in the slightest. I had given so much time, effort, and emotional energy to this relationship. My family had been waiting for me to find “the one” for a long time, and the had high hopes for him. Heck, I had been waiting to find someone I could just date and spend time with. He seemed like such a great guy.
Then, poof. It was gone. Just like that. Suddenly, the world seemed to morph into slow motion. My brain went into this weird place. A few minutes later, I hopped into a pick-up truck full of camping gear and headed off to the lake with a big group of friends.
They all knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to observe, and be, and think, or not think. Being in nature turned out to be a good place right after the break up, because I didn’t have to deal with “real life” just then. I could just be peaceful, or as peaceful as one is in that situation.
The more I thought about things, the more I realized he had been pulling away for a while. I realized that we weren’t really a good match after all. I had been so blind by the idea of a relationship instead of what I really needed. Sure, I was sad it was over, because I had enjoyed being in a relationship. But obviously, we needed more than relationship help. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is break up and move on.
I could have easily jumped into the easy thought process of despising him, but I honestly did wish him the best. I hoped he could find someone better suited for him, and ditto for me. Instead of focusing on the negative, I wanted to learn from this and come out better. I wanted to be in a relationship again, but an even better one next time.
Clearly, I needed some relationship tips. So I did finally talk about it with friends, I observed others, and after going through the break up I realized a few things. Here are 5 ways you can bounce back from a break up, without thinking the worst of your ex.
1. Realize that it takes two to tango.
It’s never just one person’s fault. Realize that. It’s partially yours, and it’s partially your ex’s. You are both human, so no biggie. Just figure out what went wrong and don’t do it again. Learn and grow. Apologize if you need to. Let go of what your ex did (or didn’t) do to you.
2. Don’t internalize the pain.
We tend to overanalyze every little thing each of us said, every date we went on, every little this or that. It becomes an endless list of “What did this mean?” or “I should have seen right through this.” Hindsight is 20/20. Give yourself a break! Instead of thinking and thinking and internalizing all of this pain, find a way to let it go. Repeating a mantra is a good idea. “It was for the best,” or “So long, (insert name here).” Try, if you can, to have a sense of humor about the whole thing. Humor helps you to take it out of your insides and throw it outside so it becomes separate from you. “Thanks for helping me discover all the flavors of Ben & Jerry’s, you jerk.” Don’t you feel better?
3. Write up a Pros and Cons list.
It’s helpful to keep things in perspective by writing up a Pros and Cons list. Try to remember some of the good times and write them down on your Pro side. Why you fell for each other in the first place, perhaps some of your ex’s finer points of personality, talents, etc. Include what was magical about you two together. Good times you shared. Fun talks you had. Your first kiss. On your Con side, include things you argued about, what bothered you about each other, and why things started to go sour. Does this Pros and Cons list give you a little insight into your relationship? If anything, it’ll help you vent. Getting those emotions on paper can be very cathartic and helpful in letting go of them.
4. Jump into something new and amazing.
You need a distraction, but a GOOD distraction. Also, you have more time on your hands, so fill it with something wonderful. Take a class, join a club, or go on an extended road trip. Discover who you are without this other person influencing you. Develop a new skill, train for a long distance race, or join a sports team. Jump in with both feet and get the good emotions flowing. It’ll do your body, mind and heart good.
5. Make goals for the coming year.
When we go through a break-up, it’s easy to look backwards. Because suddenly, the future we thought we had was gone. So, make a new future. What have you always wanted to do? Where have you always wanted to go? Is there something about yourself you’d like to change? What can you do each day/week/month in order to make that happen? Make a top ten list and then figure out how you will accomplish those. As you work on improving yourself, in time you can look back and be happy that you didn’t just sit around and mope—you got up and did something.
