Love. It’s all around us, and scattered all throughout history as well. It can be hard to imagine your grandparents going through the same relationship woes as you, let alone the Ottomans, The Mongols, The Romans or the Athenians! Love comes in many forms but it isn’t always champagne and roses – and when we look back through the history books, there’s a ton of iconic moments that capture the hearts of people then – and now. It’s easy to see why. The stories are juicy, scandalous and memorable. We cant help think that if they taught this kind of stuff (rather than just the wars) we’d have a lot more interest in the past! Let’s take a look.
1. Antony & Cleopatra – First World Problems (Royal Style)
Cleopatra was the type of dame who bathed in milk to keep herself young and beautiful. It’s safe to say she was like catnip for Anthony (Though he wasn’t her first!)
In a royal love triangle, Anthony fought Cleopatra’s ex, Octavian in the Battle of Actium and was vastly outnumbered. But this didn’t stop Anthony having the final laugh. To kick Octavian up the royal but creak, Anthony took his own life, not giving Octavian the satisfaction.
After her lover’s fatal departure, Cleopatra pulled a Juliet – not with any old dagger – With snakes. Egyptian asps to be precise. She ordered the asp be concealed in a basket of figs and brought to her room (You can probably imagine the rest). But, their fate didn’t end as mere mortals like we. Egyptians regard asps as a symbol of divine royalty; Cleopatra allowing the serpent to bite her, deemed her immortal. So, not only did she cheat death and have an unlimited supply of milk – her love for Anthony became immortal.
2. Helen, Menelaus & Paris – Three’s A Crowd In Greece
Helen got a lot of stick for being the bell of the ball in Greece. Not only was she desired by men and envied by women, she was Queen of Sparta and Troy all in one life time! Yet, her beauty came at a price. Helen supposedly caused the greatest war Greece had ever seen by leaving her husband Menelaus for the fetching young prince, Paris. In a whirl wind romance of lust and bloodshed, Paris died fighting the Trojans, all for their unstoppable love. But Helen didn’t waste any time mourning her fallen Hero. Instead, Menelaus took her back and got on just fine in their Grecian Paradise.
3. Josephine & Napolean – A Royal Affair
We all know Napoleon wasn’t the greatest ruler of France, and he wasn’t much of a lover either. Napoleon wanted a wife or rather a Queen to complete his kingdom and then – he found his darling Josephine – and he wrote her so many letters it’s hard to believe he had time for much else. In Pride and Prejudice, they say poetry is the food of love, but there’s only so many sonnets you can handle till the taste becomes bland. Poor Josephine sought excitement in more fruitful ways, so she cuddled up to Officer Hippotle Charles. Despite this, Napoleon and Josephine remained married for 11 years. But a King needs an heir to his kingdom and Josephine wasn’t as ripe in that department. Sadly, the lover’s parted ways, but both came out on top. Napoleon got an heir (he was a chip off the old block) and Josephine got to keep her title as Empress of France!
4. Marie & Pierre Curie – A Chemical Pair
“Year after year, twenty-something women come to New York in search of the two “L”s: Labels & Love”. Let’s swap New York for Paris and labels for lab and we’ve got a modern day Carrie Bradshaw! Marie Curie was a fine specimen who laid down the law for leading female figures in history. In her lifetime, Marie was the only woman to win two Nobel prizes, become the first female professor at the University of France and of course, bag the critically acclaimed, Pierre Curie. If science had its own collection of fairy tales – this pair would be inseparable elements.
Like bonds in a chemical reaction – the pair fell in love whilst working in the same lab. They were so deep in love that after countless marriage proposals, Pierre finally put a ring on it in 1895 and were together till the end!
5. Victoria & Albert – A Queen and Her King
If Rapunzel had known Mother Gothel was bad from the start – this is how it would have gone down (Minus the magical hair issue). There certainly wasn’t room for Mother – Daughter bonding activities for Victoria and her Mumsy. In fact, their relationship was very Andy Sachs vs Miranda Priestly, till Victoria found Albert. They were married at the Chapel Royal in St. James’s Palace; a lavish event that left Victoria absolutely besotted with her Prince. However, not all fairy tales have a happy ending. In 1861, Albert passed away, leaving Victoria devastated. But she handled it like a Goddess and rocked the LBD royal style and became one of the greatest rulers of England.
6. King Henry VIII & His Wives – It’s Not Me, It’s Your Curse
Henry VIII is notorious for his six marriages, two divorces and two be-headings (Think Ross Gellar on a power trip fueled by maple candy). However, Anne-Boleyn was very far from being Henry’s lobster. She was outspoken, challenging and the reason for Henry’s separation with the Catholic Church (Boy were they pissed). After all this trouble, Henry wanted what any king wanted – an heir. But, Anne’s genes were stronger than Henry’s and Elizabeth was born.
Unfortunately, Anne had two miscarriages who were believed to be males and somehow Henry thought she was cursed?! Charged on adultery with five men, including her brother, and accused of witchcraft – Anne was publicly executed at the tower of London. But let’s all remember – Anne gave England Elizabeth and Elizabeth never married – Thank God Princess Diaries took this in to account!
7. Caligula & His Horse – Just Horsing Around
Meet Caligula, an Emperor of Rome in 12AD. If Caligula had a dating profile on Tinder, it would say: ‘Sexual predator, murderer of the innocents and just a tad narcissistic’. His activities consist of: sleeping with other men’s wives, bragging about it, throwing people in to the lion pits at games, then bragging about it and possible bestiality (didn’t brag about it). Caligula had a horse called Incitatus who he loved so dear, that he showered the animal with a marble stable, a jeweled collar and servants to wait on her with oats mixed with gold flakes. He loved his horse like otters loved baby seals. As a warped gesture, Caligula made Incitatus a priest in his Empire and it is rumored that he even wanted to marry Incitatus. And possibly did. (Love isn’t always human).
8. The Real Saint Nick – Love A Do-Gooder
Will the real Saint Nick, please stand up? We all know about the jolly Santa who delivered presents to us as children, till our dreams were crushed when you saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. But, this is the true account, of Nicholas of Myre. Born to wealthy parents who died in an epidemic, Nicholas was raised in a monastery with his uncle and became Bishop of Myre.
Nicholas was like a street pastor who would help you off the floor when lying in your own sick, but wouldn’t judge you for your motives. Understanding, humble and kind – Saint Nick saved three poor sisters from a life of prostitution by throwing bags of gold in to their rooms for three nights.
On the third night, the sister’s poor Father, caught their saviour and thanked him graciously for sparing his daughters a life of destitution. Of course, Saint Nick didn’t take any of the credit and said thank God instead. Love works in mysterious ways.
9.Eija-Riitta & The Berlin Wall – Yes, Really
“Love is a truck, love is a wall. It’ll run you down or it’s what you’ve gotta get over” – (Connie Kaldor, “Love Is a Truck”). We all know love doesn’t always have to be human; it can be love for food, sex, horses…and inanimate objects. This is Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer. Unlike other individuals, Eija doesn’t care for diamonds, chocolates or roses, or race or gender for that matter. No, Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, married the Berlin Wall (which is what her last name means).
In 1979, Eija tied the knot with the Berlin wall. It was love at first sight – quite literally, Eija saw the Berlin wall on t.v as a little girl and has been smitten ever since! But, even marriages to inanimate objects fail. The Berlin wall was torn down in 1989. Eija had this to say about it: (courtesy of the telegraph) “What they did was awful. They mutilated my husband.”
All is not lost though, Eija is said to be finding love closer to home. With a nearby fence.
We should all be a little more like Eija!
10. Liberace & Himself (Basically) – Love Comes From Within
Saving the best till last is an understatement here. The Glitter man, Mr Showmanship, The King of Bling – Liberace was a real piece of work. But who is the dashing young fox to his left? This is Scott Thorson; Liberace’s toy boy. They met when Thorson was 17 and Liberace 57 – but age is just a number right? Kanye West would marry Kanye if he wasn’t already married to Kim and this is pretty much what Liberace was aiming for. In exchange for decadent gifts bestowed on his toy boy, Liberace demanded Thorson have plastic surgery to look more like him. And he did. But, Scott came to realise Liberace didn’t love him for who he was. So he allegedly dated the King of Pop instead, claiming, (courtesy of the dailymailonline) ‘Our relationship went on for six or seven years, Michael was very generous, too. He treated me well”. There is hope for us all. Surely.
