Tinder is a game. “Congrats!” It tells you when you match with someone. “Keep Playing!” it insists whenever you chose to skip the message option. And like any other games, there are power users. There are people who obsess over Farmville – I’m looking at you, weird neighbor from home who keeps sending me invites – and there are people who get super good at XBox (SSX Tricky is still cool, right?). As someone who’s mastered the most effective ways to burn through matches on Tinder (is that a triple pun? I’ll take it), I know that there a variety of emotions that come from spending a whole afternoon mass-swiping while downing a whole bottle of wine in front of a Netflix binge that we won’t even talk about in this post.
And who better to explain this Millenial phenom than the master of abbrievs himself? Ladies & Gents, Tom Haverford.
First you heard about Tinder, and you were all… “Eh, Idk about online dating,” but then your friends explained it was like delivery Pizza, but for guys. Which, lets face it, you’ve been demanding for years
So you download it, and set up your profile. You take a look at the final product:
Then you start swiping at a rate that can only be described as “warp speed.” You start to notice a trend in the pictures you’re seeing (even if they are in a blur). A few trends emerge. The strangest, and possibly most unprecedented being the…
Seriously, there’s a whole blog devoted to this. I don’t really understand the appeal. I think they’re trying to come off as dangerous and exotic, but all that’s coming to mind is
The smart guys use babies and put something in their bio along the lines of “Not mine, just a cute uncle.” The even smarter ones use puppiez:
And then you get the super existential-looking ones. They’re thinking if they pose on a rock and gaze off into the abyss of their future that I’ll want them to become part of it:
All of the sudden a notification pops up “It’s A Match!”
You’re on a roll now. Every other right-swipe is turning into a potential soul-mate. And your ego is loving it. You start walking into every room like you own the place
So now these guys are sending you messages… and you actually have to go through conversation in order to make them want your phone number? Ugh this is just like the bars… EXCEPT OH WAIT I CAN DO IT IN MY ONESIE ON MY COUCH. Still more work than I’d like to do, but
The novelty of matching with one person is starting to wear off. Still a nice little boost to look down and see 14 of them on your phone though
Wait, what’s this? One of them wants my phone number? Ok I’m back on track
Then you discover Tinder “Moments” Pictures that each user can put up that send to all of their matches for 24 hours. You’re swiping through the pics, liking one at the beach, not liking the one that shows some veiny guy’s arm at the gym. Someone’s picture of the sunset, someone’s new bike, someone’s— AHHHH
And there’s your first dick pic of Tinder. I’ve always wondered what the dream scenario of that guy is. I don’t know any females who walk around just wishing that they could get a better look at the close-up details of your junk. Hope you didn’t give anyone your snapchat name, otherwise you better start blocking now:
Tinder will destroy your hope for humanity if you’re expecting to find the world’s greatest collection of gentlemen
You’ll get some DOPE lines thrown at you
But you must remember at the end of the day, Tinder is just a game- and you’re always winning when you
As seen on the one & only…G’Date Mate
