Kelsey Miller, writer at Refinery29 and creator of The Anti-Diet Project, is what most women strive to be. She is confident, honest, brave, and a positive inspiration to us all. In a food and image-obsessed culture, Kelsey sheds light on the issues we all have within us and shows us how to be healthy and accept ourselves for who we truly are—flaws and all. Be on the lookout for her memoir, Big Girl, in January 2016! For now, here’s a little chat with Kelsey on all things love, sex, dating and breakups.
What do you do and why do you do it?
I’m a writer. I do it because it’s what I’d be doing anyway, even if I were working at another job. I think when you’re a writer you do it because you can’t not. (I also do it because I’m really, really lucky to have gotten a job that lets me!)
What’s the best gift you ever got?
My boyfriend planned a mystery trip for my 30th birthday last year. He picked three different European cities all based on my childhood obsessions (starting with Salzburg because I loved The Sound of Music). I know. It’s fucking ridiculous.
What’s the worst gift you ever got?
One Christmas when I was in college I found a Hitachi Magic Wand under the Christmas tree. A relative had bought it for me thinking it was actually a neck massager. My ten-year-old brother (who had clearly been watching Sex & The City when no one was looking) screamed, “A vibrator!” And, then I died. I’m still dead.
What’s your advice for all things love, sex and dating?
Ooh boy. I was a real late bloomer when it came to that stuff so I’m constantly seeking wisdom in this area as well. I’d say the thing that’s helped me the most is to recognize that it’s never going to look like what you thought it would. When things don’t meet your expectations, it can be unnecessarily devastating. So, go in with as open a mind as you can. The other thing is the thing everyone says: communication. You’ve gotta learn how to communicate your own needs while empathizing with others’. Starting having the little scary conversations early on so that later when you’re having the bigger, scarier conversations it won’t feel so daunting. You’ve got to be willing to make it weird.
What’s your go to pick me up?
I have a bad habit of buying skin care products. That’s my quick & dirty pick-me-up. The healthier version is that I just try to take extra good care of myself on a bad day: get some exercise, eat truly satisfying food, reach out to a friend even if it’s just a silly text to remind myself that I have a good friend. And, above all, get a good night’s sleep.
Tell us about your first heartbreak…
I had a close guy friend and we both had mutual crushes on each other that went unacknowledged for waaaaaay too long. Of course, when you do that the feelings just get stronger and you go crazier. After YEARS of tension, I finally broke down in sobs and told him I was in love with him and it was all very dramatic (and in public, obvs). But he was in a relationship and his feelings for me weren’t strong enough to ruin that. It was awful and I was a mess, but man, I’m so glad we had that talk. It took me a long time to get over it but if I hadn’t finally popped the bubble then who knows how long I would have sat around in unrequited love limbo? I needed that shitty, humiliating moment in order to move on.
Tell us about a time you Bounced Back better than ever.
I’ve always dealt with anxiety but in my late twenties I went through a truly dark period where it felt as if I was having a low-grade panic attack all the time. I couldn’t be around people, I thought about ending my relationship, and I couldn’t even talk to my oldest friends. I thought I was actually losing my mind. Therapy wasn’t enough and finally, I started trying to help myself out of the hole. I went into full-blown self-help mode, reading up on mindfulness, taking workshops, learning to take care of my body and mind. It was really empowering to see myself get better because of the work I’d done. It helped me understand that really, I am not just an anxious, self-defeating mess. I am strong and capable of saving myself.
