It’s true that there isn’t anything too eventful going on in March (besides the hopeful arrival of spring) other than St. Patrick’s Day. A sea of green shirts, barrels of beer and buffets full of corn beef and cabbage galore take over on March 17th. But you know who else seems to take over on this day? Dicks. I don’t mean literal ones (although perhaps?) but more like drunken asses. Somehow males (and females) turn into frat bros on St. Patrick’s Day. Blame it on the green beer, the gassy food or the colorful parades, but there is something in the air on this holiday that makes Americans think they’re immune to acting like a regular adult. Hey, we’re not saying there is no fun in that—but just be careful when you go to the bars. And make sure you don’t end up trying to date a guy you meet in a Guinness-induced haze. Here we’ve made a list of some of the dicks your most likely to run into on good ol’ St. Paddy’s Day.
The “I’m From Boston” Dick
Ok, maybe you’re actually in Boston. (Warning: If so, then this will occur more often. You will be reminded that you are in fact in Boston, where they celebrate this holiday best). Bostonians LIVE for St. Patrick’s Day. If there is a guy from Boston (or that even lived there for 3 months of his life) now located in the middle of Kansas, you better believe he is still going to tell you about St. Paddy’s Day back in Bahstan. He’s gonna get “wicked smashed” and recount the Irish food from the New England state full Irish heritage—with slurring, cursing, and pride.
The “Guinness is Better in Ireland” Dick
Perhaps worse than the “I’m From Boston” Dick, this guy actually spent some time (not even necessarily through St. Patrick’s Day) in Ireland. He will brag how the Guinness in America just isn’t as good and he can’t stand to drink it now that he’s tasted it the way it was meant to be made.
The “Let’s Drink Carbombs All Day” Dick
This dick will most likely be vomiting in the Irish Pub Golden Palace (aka the shitter) by 2pm, at the latest. He will have awakened early for “Kegs and Eggs” (calling out of work if necessary) and then proceed to guilting everyone at the bar to race him drinking Irish Car Bombs. He might win the races, but he doesn’t win the marathon.
The Kilt Wearing Dick
Ok, ok. This Irish tradition is actually charming to see at weddings and parades when they actually are truly Irish and know how to play the bagpipes and whatnot. But that’s not who we’re talking about here. The dick who wears a kilt to the bar just to stand out and get attention from girls is probably just hoping for easy access. And he’s probably not wearing any underwear. Sweaty balls on the barstool. Just sayin.
The Bartender Dick
If you want to order a vodka tonic while out at the bar, it’s probably not in your best interest not to on this day. Most likely you’ll get a snarky look or the bartender telling you that they only are serving beer and Irish Cider on this day. They stocked up and bought extra, and they need it gone like, now. In this dick’s defense—it might not be their fault. But still, slightly annoying.
So please ladies, proceed with caution this St. Patrick’s Day. Don’t revert to your college mistakes. Don’t go home with one of these dicks, and most definitely don’t drink so much that you actually turn into one of these dicks yourself.
