There are many clichés about falling in love, or having a crush on someone such as “takes my breath away,” “makes my heart skip a beat,” “gives me butterflies,” etc, etc, etc. But realistically, aren’t those ‘butterflies’ the same as overwhelming nausea? Who would want to be plagued with excessive sweating? And if high school health class taught us anything (aside from “no glove no love”), I’m pretty sure any loss of breath isn’t a good thing. The symptoms of falling for someone are like wearing a wet turtleneck sweater in august: uncomfortable and confusing, or like having a terminal illness and not knowing where you stand on the donor list. I’m no doctor, but these afflictive feelings sound an awful lot like the following medical conditions according to WebMD:
What you’re feeling: nervous sweaty palms, or excited goosebumps from a slight brush of the skin
Actual symptom: excessive sweating and anxiety are common signs of oncoming panic attacks or an Anxiety Disorder. The intense fear that can’t be controlled is on par with the overwhelming feelings to burst like firework whenever you see your crush. Just try not to cross the line between “oh it’s a little hot in here”(I’m just a little nervous), and “why do I have sweat stains down to my hip?” because that much sweating isn’t cute (or normal).
What you’re feeling: a kaleidoscope of butterflies painting your body head to toe
Actual symptom: nausea as a result of possible food poisoning from eating the leftovers from that take-out you ordered 2 nights ago, or the pint of ice cream you downed within the first half of a rom-com movie. This feeling isn’t ideal after a couple of drinks, so why is it welcomed when “crushing” on someone?
What you’re feeling: straining in your face and stomach from excessive smiling and laughing (sincere or fake)
Actual symptom: pain and discomfort, which are tied to nearly any illness, including constipation. WebMD states one, “may have hard, dry stools that are difficult to pass.” Like these stools, some crushes hit harder than others.
What you’re feeling: light headed around your new target’s intoxicating charm, especially when they whip out a guitar, and “take your breathe away”
Actual symptom: girl, you might just have asthma. I can assure you carrying around an emergency inhaler is a pain, and having to use it when your breathing becomes rough is even more of a pain. “Others may have severe symptoms that interfere with daily life,” like when you stalk their social media 10x a day (side note: don’t do that, but if you do, checking twice a day should suffice). Also, Michelle Branch’s song, “Everywhere” seems to endlessly play in the back of your mind. Difficulty sleeping is also common, and similar to when its 3 am and you’re laying in bed, staring into the darkness contemplating the imaginary wedding details, your future children’s names, you two’s inside jokes that don’t exist….
Like the lifelong journey of endless crushes, many of these are “lifelong conditions that can be managed but not cured.” So for all you single, unattached ladies out there, kudos to you for not having to deal with a dictionary worth of symptoms caused by “falling for someone.”