Christmas is a bright, festive and joyous time for all. “How can something terrible like bad sex be comparable to Christmas Eve?” you may ask. Well I’ll tell you how.
You eat too much food and feel gross afterwards. Now is time for sweats and lounging on the couch, not going at it. Protein farts? Not very sexy. First time eating a full big meal together and going at it afterwards? Probably not going to be the best time. Just stick to a lazy night in instead—unless you’re really feeling comfortable around one another.
You fall asleep early. Um hello, Santa is coming! You’re ready for bed as soon as the clock strikes 10pm. Falling asleep before can put a damper on things—and falling asleep during, well….
There’s too much anticipation and build up for not much pay out. Remember being super pumped all December for this one day, and then once it hits Christmas Eve you can hardly take it anymore and then you wake up and can’t even open presents because your parents aren’t awake yet? Well ok take out waiting the whole month of December (unless your super single like someone *cough me cough* I know and always seem to be waiting) and the whole parents thing, and that’s what it’s like. Ever been so long you feel re-virginized and then finally just give in to the next guy you go out with and it’s over in about 40.5 seconds? I feel for ya girl.
Too much holiday wine = things you’re gonna regret. Swearing at Aunt Ida, sloppy hookups where you say things you might regret but probably wont remember the next morning…same difference.
You find out Santa is fake. This seems like a tragic time in every child’s life—although how many of us actually remember the real moment we realized this? It’s like when you finally realize the fuckboy you’ve been having sex with sucks and can’t get you off and you wonder what you’ve believed in the whole time and lose all hope. And then you tell all your friends that you were being nice saying how the sex with him was good because now you’re done and you can see the truth again. Hallelujah!
Kids won’t go to sleep. Kids can definitely put a damper on sexy time—if you hear them crying or worse yet, they walk in on you, it’s probably not gonna be great.
The package you open is smaller than expected. It’s the motion of the ocean not the size of the package, right!? I know, I know. Still, don’t act like there isn’t a little disappointment there.
There’s a big guy trying to fit in a small chimney. Ok, ok, this might NOT be too terrible depending on the circumstances—but if he doesn’t take into consideration how big his member is and what he’s squeezing it in to, this might call for a bad time. But any guy that’s in that much of a rush and doesn’t think these things through isn’t worth your time, anyway.
And there you have it. Bad sex can be like Christmas Eve. Now go ahead and stuff your stocking.
