As the always quotable Rihanna once said, “Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake!” We’re pretty sure Ri Ri wasn’t talking about bad sex in her song “Birthday Cake,” and she most definitely was not talking about rice cakes. Seriously, what is worse in life than bad sex and rice cakes? They’re pretty much on par. Let’s take a look at why.
It’s just plain gross. Who invented the rice cake? Who decided that “cake” should be included in the title of this abomination?! How misleading. Just like the guy who picked you up with his smooth moves but then had one (or six) too many drinks and leaves you lying in his bed wondering how to get away from this mess.
It’s super bland. And I’m not just talking 50 Shades vanilla here. You know, I’ve had plenty of plain ol’ “vanilla” that was great. This, however, will never be great. It’s bad. I don’t care what flavor rice cake you try to throw at me. Sour cream and onion! Caramel! Apple Cinnamon! Excuse me, but I’m onto your games. Rice will always be rice. And it’ll never be cake.
You add things to try to make it better. Peanut butter, strawberries, honey, ANYTHING! It might make a mess but you’re grasping at strings here. Basically just cover the entire thing until you forget what you really have. Still doesn’t work.
It’s dry. Dry everywhere. I’m talkin’ Sahara Desert. I’m talkin’ my mouth when I wake up at 5:30am on a Sunday morning after 6 glasses of wine and forgot to leave a glass of water on my nightstand. I’m talkin’ a sponge on the kitchen sink when I haven’t washed dishes in 3 days. Just stop trying because nothing is gonna get wet here. Now I just need some water, or better yet another martini, and away from this situation, please.
No Confidence. You know, even if you know you aren’t great, you should at least try. The crunching sound of a rice cake as you regretfully bite into it is basically the sound of it saying “I’m sorry” and shrugging before it turns away to sob, because it knows this is it and it isn’t getting any better. Why don’t you work on yourself first. Just kidding, you’ve tried and still suck.
It’s covering up for something else. Stop hiding behind these facades. Even if it’s branding the mini, bite sizes offers or special flavors, it’s not fooling anyone. Plus, bite size isn’t fun for anyone. Like I said, the flavors just disguise what’s really underneath. No flavor or packaging is making this any better. I still see what’s underneath.
It’s sad. You had such high hopes (but did you really?) and now your afternoon delight is more of an afternoon downer. The rice cake is sad, you’re sad, and you know it’s just not meant to be.
It’s not what you really want. It just didn’t work out. And at this point, all I’m thinking is how much I WOULD do for a Klondike bar (and my vibrator). See ya never.
