Now I’m not country music hater—quite the opposite. But we can’t deny that country song storylines are not always the most sexy or uplifting. So here it goes. Let’s see how bad sex can be like a country song.
He tells you about his breakup mid-coitus. All of a sudden he’s crying and you think I mean I know I’m good but not again and then he says “I’m sorry I just really miss Chelsea!” and all of a sudden you realize Keith Urban’s “Making Memories of Us” playing in the background. Trigger music. This sure is a memory made.
Someone drank too much. Always talkin’ about shooting whiskey like that makes a woman so badass (I mean I guess it kinda does) but no one ever talks about what happens after that. It’s sex. Probably bad sex if you can hardly walk a straight line and wanna take a nap. Pretty sloppy.
Slurring words. “Oh wow Zessica…yow’re like…zooo haaat.” No. No this is not hot anymore. What are you saying? This would be much nicer without your voice.
He just keeps playing guitar. So you go back to his place expecting some hanky-panky but instead he wants to break out his acoustic guitar and play you some Hank Williams. He’s that guitar guy at the party but it’s only a party of two (yes that is a Shania reference). Except this party of two blows…and it’s not the type of blowing you were expecting on your way over.
You notice he’s missing teeth. Um, ok, looks aren’t everything but dental hygiene is sorta important, especially if he’s going to have his mouth on different places on you. And that’s not dip in his mouth is it? ABORT MAKEOUT. ABORT.
His girlfriend walks in on you. Oh wow, another cheater huh? Time for you both to pull some cheating-man-country-song sh!t on this douche.
He has no clue what he’s doing. Ok we know how it goes, “Save a horse, ride a cowboy,” but you didn’t know you’d have to do this much riding. Has he ever had sex before?!
You hear animal noises. Because you’re doing it in a barn. Just kidding. But really, what are those noises emanating from him?! Those can’t be human. There aren’t really animal noises in country songs (except for that goat spoof of Taylor Swift’s “Trouble”) but whatever. This still happens.
