We humans enjoy being wined and dined. We fall in love and out of love. We get married. We breakup. We move on. But things are a lot less complicated with animals. Although being a human being can seem tough sometimes, we should be thankful that we don’t have partners like these animals (or maybe sometimes we do have partners like them).
Honey Bee: Let’s say we’re all honey bees (like Blake Shelton wants us to be—swoon). Well, now let’s say we all live into adulthood and don’t kill each other (sadly, that’s kinda unlikely) and we each become Queen Bee (oh no, no, Beyonce, we know that title belongs to you, these are hypotheticals here!) Once we are at the right mating age, tons of males will come at us trying to get it in. The one who is successful will end up dying, because his junk will break off and stay in us, acting like a plug. Now no other guys can try to fertilize our egg. We just killed a guy our first time doing it. And his thing is, uh, stuck down there. I don’t think I need to go on any further.
Bonobo: These types of chimps take the saying “Make Love, Not War,” very literally. In fact their whole community is based around making love. Instead of a handshake, how about some fellatio? Need me to give you some food? No money is needed, let’s just make out. Got in a fight? Let’s make up with sex. (Ok, we’re probably all guilty of that one). But basically, bonobos are always in one big orgy.
Giraffes: Those long necks make it hard for guy giraffes to know when the females are in heat, since their privates are so far away. But no worries, the guys have a way to find out—just drink their pee! Seriously—the males will bow their long neck down, and bump the female’s behind to induce urination (luckily every time a guy hits our ass we don’t end up peeing ourselves) which he then takes a little taste of to tell if she’s “good to go.” He then will pretty much relentlessly follow her around until she gives in to him. Why does this whole thing sound like some weird, messed up bar scene?
Dolphins: Male dolphins have a high sex drive, and will pretty much hump anything in site. If they happen upon a female, they’re getting it in no questions asked. I mean, they’re super cute so I’m sure the female doesn’t object (hopefully) except the bad thing is that they usually only take about 15 seconds or less to finish. Humping inanimate objects, sea turtles and basically anything they can get their flippers on – and they’re premature. You know what…I’m pretty sure dolphins are all teenage boys.
Porcupines: With all those spikey needles, you’d wonder how they do it at all. Apparently, when the male finds a gal that sparks his fancy, he will stand up and spray pee all over her (apparently golden showers are a big thing with animals). If the female isn’t impressed with his urine (WTF?) then she will just shake it off and walk away. But if she’s feelin’ it, she’ll flip over and then they will go at it doggy-style (or, should I say, porcupine style). Female porcupines are only interested in sex 8-12 hours of the year, BUT, she wants to keep going at it once they start. She will force the male to keep going many times until he is exhausted. If he gets too tired, she will go on to find another suitor. I think I have a few girl friends like this. You know, minus the whole getting covered in pee part.
So let’s all rejoice that we are humans and not exactly like other types of mammals out there. When you think some of our mating and dating habits may be weird, just be thankful you’re not one of these wild animals.
