Heartbreak has weighed on hungry souls since the first scribbles appeared on walls of ancient caves. Not even Shakespeare could claim to be an OG in the art of love. Today we attempt to alleviate the pain that yields from lovesickness with remedies of comfort like ice cream, and wine (lots of wine), and intense, uninterrupted Netflix streaming. But what distractions were available to the poor souls of the past? In an article by Nancy Dzaja called “Lovesickness: The Most Common Form of Heart Disease,” she discusses ancient remedies practiced from the age of Athens and Rome to the Renaissance era. For the greater good of society, we have dissected the best and most outrageous “cures” documented in the article. So, next time you’re experiencing heartbreak, just remember- it could be worse. The highlights are as follows:
Cure: Sex
Historical Context: Greek and Roman doctors treated their heartbroken patients with prescriptions of sex. Doctors felt sex with someone else (or multiple people) would diminish the longing for the object of said patient’s desire.
2015 version: The rebound game is truly a beautiful concept; however once reality sets in, and that unforgiving sunlight highlights the shame of last night as you scamper home, seeking solace in the shadows, you realize whatever relief you felt was only temporary. There are pros to rebounding which include a boost in confidence and self-esteem (who doesn’t feel good after countless matches on tinder?). Short term perks are entertainment and distraction from the grind of everyday life. A rebound can also fill the void that has imploded into your being, but this filler is often temporary. Raise your hand if you think you’re going to marry your slam piece? Yeh, that’s what we thought. Bouncing off that backboard can leave you with unresolved feelings, thus accumulating more baggage to carry into your next real relationship.
Cure: Slander from your local old woman
History Context: Physicians would hire an old woman to talk shit on the object of affection.
2015 version: Who needs Granny when you have your betches, am I right? That’s what ladies nights are for – eating ice cream and/or getting drunk, all the while shit talking whatever d-bag broke your heart. It’s cheap and therapeutic, and you strengthen the friendships that may have been put on hold for that jerk who irons his jeans.
Cure: Distractions
History Context: In Medieval times doctors started recommending distractions such as exercise, going on a trip, and inflicting physical pain.
2015 version: First of all, inflicting physical pain- yeah, no. Don’t do that. This isn’t some grander twisted version of 50 Shades of Grey. However, exercise is one of the best heart healing cures. It will boost endorphins and confidence, leaving you with a killer break-up bod. Heres looking at you, Khloe Kardashian!
Cure: Drinking liquids
History Context: Don’t be fooled. We aren’t talking about water or shots here. Doctors from an ancient Mexican tribe believed a lovesick heart stemmed from the overwhelming heat emitted from the beloved’s eyes. In order to properly cool and cleanse the body, the patient would drink from abandoned wells, slurp down saliva (or urine-gross) from the desired being, or even drink water in which object’s underwear was boiled. Sounds less like a cure, and more like a trial on Fear Factor.
2015 version: Drink enough alcohol, and you can forget anything or anyone; however blacking out isn’t something you should be putting on your to-do list (save it for special occasions like New Year’s Eve). Until then, drink green tea. The Theanine in tea provides a calming effect due to the increase of a-waves in the brain. Studies have also found it reduces psychological distress and anxiety.
Final Thought: Hundreds of years have passed, and science has yet to find the perfect cure for heartbreak. Perhaps this heightened period of tragedy in our lives serves a purpose. Maybe it is required to strengthen us. Heartbreak not only builds character; it adds to the novel of our lives.
