When the news broke earlier in the week of the Ashley Madison hack, we’re sure there were a few (more like 37 million) married/attached people breaking a sweat. In case you’re somehow totally out of the loop, the adulterous dating site, whose slogan is, “Life is short. Have an affair,” was hacked by “The Impact Team.” The hackers accused the Toronto-based overseers of the site, Avid Life Media Inc., of lying to customers about a service that would scrub all of their information from the data bases. (A Toronto based company working with a website for people to cheat on their spouses…now we see why Drake is always so sad.)
OK first things first—does anyone really think that anything they put online is 100% secret and safe, ever?! Really, let’s not be naïve about the internet here. It’s been around long enough now for us to know better. If you have the gumption to join a site like Ashley Madison in the first place, you should probably think things through a little more first.
So why do people join Ashley Madison? Why not just dump their boyfriend/girlfriend, or get a divorce, and move on with life? I have to give these people credit—they are slightly smarter than the two boyfriends of people I know that I saw on Tinder recently (HELLO—Tinder matches you with people in your AREA, people who might know your GIRLFRIEND and shows when you were last online… dipshits), but how thought-through is this decision in the first place?
We know, none of us are perfect and none of us always make the right decisions, especially when it comes to relationships. That’s why we are here to help you pick up the pieces and bounce back after heartbreak (which we are sure there is a lot of after more of the names are released from Ashley Madison). So in true Never Liked It Anyway fashion, let’s look at this with a little humor so we don’t drown ourselves in tears. What are the differences in your life post-breakup if you just got dumped vs. if you caught your partner on this website for affairs?
Getting a drunk text from them weeks later
Good Ol’ Getting Dumped: Maybe he wants me back? Should I reply? Should I leave it? Should I text back three hours later? Or now? Or delete it?
Caught Them on Ashley Madison: Seriously?! And I wonder who you were drunk texting before..
Hearing “Escape” (The Pina Coladas Song) on the radio
Good Ol’ Getting Dumped: *Singing your heart out* Wait, this song is kinda effed up. At least I wasn’t cheated on. But they did get back together and that’s sorta cute…
Caught Them on Ashley Madison: *Singing your heart out* Wait, F**K THIS GUY AND THIS CHICK! This newspaper column is like Ashley Madison before the internet. Why is this song so popular again?! *Immediately changes station*
Making an online dating profile
Good Ol’ Getting Dumped: Maybe I’ll at least meet someone cute to make out with. Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, RIGHT?!
Caught Them on Ashley Madison: How do I know these guys don’t have a girlfriend or wife at home? Apparently that’s what people like to do online these days!
Having a boring night in with Netflix and wine
Good Ol’ Getting Dumped: F him. I’m way better. Better off alone.
Caught Them on Ashley Madison: F him. I’m way better. Better off alone.
Point here: We know breakups suck, whether it’s because you caught your S.O. cheating, the love is gone, or whatever the reason may be. Eventually, you’re going to pick yourself off the ground, get out there, and realize again how amazing you are.
