No matter your religion, we’ve grown up with the presence of St. Nick in our lives pretty much since birth. There is no adult man we love more in December as a child than good ol’ Santa Claus. Even as we age, the original beardo is still quite endearing. (Um, hello, haven’t you ever seen The Year Without a Santa Claus?!)
So we can all basically agree that we love Santa Claus. He brings us all together, teaches us how to be cheery and unifies us all at least for one day out of the year. But how would you like to date Santa? It probably wouldn’t be quite as terrific. Why is that, you ask?
1. He calls you a ho all the time. That isn’t cool bro! Never put up with a man who name calls. Even if it might not be “on purpose.”
2. He lives in the North Pole. Ok, yes, some people like seclusion and snow, but the North Pole seems to be quite too much of both of those. Unless it’s anything like the movie Elf and you can befriend a narwhal when visiting, it doesn’t seem worth it (that would be a lot of airline miles though).
3. He has a belly like a bowl full of jelly. Wait…this would be very cozy and cuddle-worthy. Especially considering #2. Ok, this one is actually probably a plus.
4. He needs a wardrobe makeover. Does he wear the same outfit every day? Like yeah, we get it, red is a statement color and powerful for business. But it’s a little outdated and can be revamped, dontcha think?!
5. He sneaks into houses in the middle of the night. Supposedly this is because he is delivering gifts to those homes, but why so sneaky and at like 2am? Nothing good happens when you are going over someone’s house at that hour, and this just might create trust issues.
6. Too much late night munchies. What is creating this hunger so late at night that others must feed him? And shouldn’t he eat some veggies and protein along with all those sweets? I mean, he can at least save some of those cookies for his boo. Especially if it’s that time of the month on Christmas.
7. He’s a workaholic. How is he supposed to cuddle you with his jelly belly when he works until wee hours of the night? You can’t even spend Christmas Eve together, and the rest of the year he’s spending preparing for this big one. What about your birthday? Anniversary? He’s probably working on gifts for everyone else. Which leads to #8…
8. He’s closer with his elves and reindeer than with you. How can he have time for your relationship when he’s busy tending to his 9 reindeer and kicking it with the elves in the workshop? And shouldn’t he have some friends his own age?
9. He’s married. This should’ve come up earlier but we almost forgot—he already has a Mrs. Claus. We’ve heard the song about a kid seeing their mommy kissing Santa Claus so we shouldn’t be surprised about his wandering eye, so don’t be another side piece for this supposed saint. You’re better off without him.