There’s a fine line between guiding someone and controlling them.
This line gets blurred when a partner starts using guilt to manipulate you into doing what they want, without considering your feelings or opinions.
Controlling partners have a knack for twisting words, making you feel guilty for things that aren’t really your fault.
They know just what to say to make you second-guess yourself.
In this article, I’ll share with you eight tell-tale phrases that controlling partners use to instill guilt.
1) “You’re overreacting”
The world of relationships can sometimes feel like a minefield of emotions.
One wrong step, and boom!
Controlling partners have a knack for making you feel like you’re the one causing the explosion, even when they’re the ones who laid the mines.
They know how to make you question your feelings and reactions.
One phrase they often use is “You’re overreacting”.
This is a classic guilt-inducing technique that controlling partners use to shift the blame onto you.
It’s a way for them to invalidate your feelings and make you feel guilty for having them.
It’s normal and healthy to express your emotions.
If your partner makes you feel like you’re “overreacting”, it might be time to reassess the situation and consider whether this relationship is truly healthy for you.
2) “I do everything for you”
I can still remember the day when my partner uttered those words.
It was like a punch to the gut.
“I do everything for you,” he said, after I had brought up a concern in our relationship.
The implication was clear: I was ungrateful.
I was the one at fault.
It’s easy to fall into this guilt trap.
After all, aren’t partners supposed to help each other out?
But in a healthy relationship, acts of love and kindness aren’t used as ammunition during disagreements.
This phrase is designed to make you feel guilty and indebted, to shift the focus away from the issue at hand and onto all the things they’ve done for you.
But everyone contributes in relationships and it’s not fair to keep score or use favors as leverage.
Looking back, I wish I had recognized this red flag sooner.
But recognizing it now has given me the strength to seek healthier relationships and interactions.
3) “If you loved me, you’d do this”
Love is a powerful emotion, and controlling partners know how to use this to their advantage.
“If you loved me, you’d do this” – this phrase can make you feel guilty for not meeting their expectations or demands.
But it’s important to understand that love isn’t about blindly following orders or doing things that make you uncomfortable.
In fact, according to psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on relationships, one of the keys to a healthy relationship is respect for each other’s boundaries and autonomy.
This means that your partner should respect your decisions and not use love as a tool to manipulate or control you.
So the next time you hear this phrase, remember that love is about respect and understanding, not manipulation and control.
4) “No one else would want you”
This phrase can be one of the most damaging things a controlling partner can say.
It’s designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel like you’re lucky to be with them, even when they’re treating you poorly.
“No one else would want you” is a way for them to isolate you and make you feel dependent on the relationship.
They want you to believe that they’re your only option, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Always remember, everyone deserves respect and love.
Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise.
If your partner frequently uses this phrase, it may be a sign that they’re trying to control and manipulate you.
It’s important to seek help and support if this is the case.
5) “I’m the only one who understands you”
There’s something deeply intimate about being understood by someone.
It’s a feeling that can make us feel seen, valued, and loved.
But when a partner says, “I’m the only one who understands you,” it can be more sinister than sweet.
This phrase is often used as a way to make you feel indebted to them, to make you feel like they’re your only source of comfort and understanding.
It’s crucial to remember that you are not alone, and your partner is not the only person capable of understanding or loving you.
It’s okay to seek understanding and connection from others too – from friends, family, or a trusted counselor.
Being understood is beautiful, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of your freedom or self-worth.
6) “You’re always making mistakes”
My heart still sinks when I remember those moments, hearing the phrase, “You’re always making mistakes.”
It felt like every little misstep was magnified, scrutinized and used against me.
This phrase is a controlling partner’s way of keeping you on edge, of making you doubt your abilities and worth.
It’s designed to make you feel like you’re constantly letting them down, like you’re not good enough.
But the truth is, everyone makes mistakes.
It’s a part of being human. In a healthy relationship, mistakes are forgiven and seen as opportunities for growth and learning.
They shouldn’t be used as ammunition to belittle or control you.
7) “You’re just like your [insert family member]”
Comparison is a tool often used by controlling partners to manipulate and belittle.
“You’re just like your [insert family member]” – this phrase is typically used in a derogatory way, meant to make you feel guilty or ashamed for certain behaviors or characteristics.
It’s a way for them to exert control by playing on your insecurities.
But it’s important to remember that you are your own person, with unique strengths and weaknesses.
No one has the right to define you by comparing you to others, not even your partner.
Stand strong in your individuality and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for being who you are.
8) “I can’t live without you”
While this might sound like a declaration of deep love, it’s often used as a manipulative tactic.
“I can’t live without you” is a phrase that places an immense burden on you.
It can make you feel responsible for your partner’s happiness and well-being, which is neither fair nor healthy.
Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
It’s not your job to fix or save anyone, no matter how much you care for them.
Healthy love allows space for individuality and personal growth.
Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for prioritizing your own well-being.
It’s about respect
The threads binding our relationships are woven with respect, understanding, and love.
But when these threads are manipulated to control or induce guilt, it can fray the fabric of our relationships and self-esteem.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, states that the foundation of a healthy relationship is built on respect and appreciation.
When these elements are absent, it creates an environment conducive to manipulation.
The phrases we’ve discussed aren’t just words.
They’re tools of control that can leave deep emotional scars.
If you recognize these phrases in your relationship, it’s important to seek help and remember that you deserve love that uplifts, not manipulates.
As you reflect on this, know that change starts with awareness.
Recognizing these signs is the first step towards healing and reclaiming your independence.
