Have you ever felt like you’re stuck in a loop, replaying the same disappointing romantic scenario, but with different faces? Trust me, I’ve been there more times than I’d like to admit.
I’m talking about that sinking feeling when you realize the guy you’re dating isn’t looking for anything serious—and somehow, it keeps happening with eerie consistency. If you’re nodding right now, you’re not alone. It’s easy to chalk it up to bad luck, but I’ve discovered there’s usually more going on behind the scenes.
We all want that meaningful connection, yet sometimes we sabotage our own best interests without even realizing it. Below, I’m sharing eight reasons I believe we fall for these perpetual no-strings-attached types and how we can pivot toward better choices.
1. You keep ignoring the red flags
I’ll be the first to admit that I have a real talent for painting red flags a lovely shade of pink. Whether it’s thinking “he’s just busy” when he consistently cancels plans, or insisting “he’s just a free spirit” when he refuses to commit, I’ve done it all.
Sometimes we convince ourselves that these little signs don’t matter because hope is powerful. We want things to work so badly that we cling to any crumb of affection or attention.
But ignoring red flags is like hitting the snooze button on our gut feelings. We’re never left feeling well-rested, just more disoriented. If every time he messages, it’s at 2 a.m. for a late-night chat, that’s probably not a clue that he’s planning a future with you.
Daniel Goleman, known for his work on emotional intelligence, has pointed out that our ability to recognize and manage our own emotions is key to better relationships. In other words, notice those red flags and trust yourself enough to pay attention.
2. You’re addicted to the chase
I hate to confess this, but I’ve caught myself chasing relationships the same way I chase down the last slice of pizza at a friend’s party: with a weird mixture of excitement and desperation.
There’s a thrill in the pursuit—especially if he’s a bit unavailable. But here’s the thing: when I’m more invested in catching him than in who he actually is, I miss the bigger picture.
Being addicted to the chase can leave us craving attention from those who give it sparingly. Why? Because the moment we get them to show up, it feels like some sort of victory.
Yet, once the chase ends, we often find there’s nothing of substance left. If you notice a pattern in your dating life where the pursuit is half the fun, you may be choosing guys who aren’t in it for the long haul.
3. You fear real vulnerability
It seems counterintuitive, but sometimes picking people who don’t want anything real is a sneaky way to keep ourselves safe. When a guy isn’t serious, you never have to show up fully either. It’s like you both have one foot out the door, which can be a relief if intimacy freaks you out.
I once heard Brene Brown say, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” And wow, did that hit home. Vulnerability is terrifying, especially if your past heartbreaks still haunt you.
Yet, if you choose partners who aren’t in it for real intimacy, you’ll perpetually dodge the deeper connection you claim to want. Ironically, the very thing we’re scared of is also what sets us free to have a genuine relationship.
4. You equate drama with excitement
Have you ever found yourself bored when a guy is… too stable? I definitely have. I used to confuse those steady, reliable types with “not interesting.”
After enough heartbreaks, I realized I was mixing up drama with passion. It’s like reading a suspense novel: the plot twists keep you on the edge of your seat, but in real life, that level of turmoil is emotionally exhausting.
Drama shouldn’t be the glue that holds your relationship together. Still, it’s easy to grow accustomed to the ups and downs—especially if you’ve never seen what a healthy connection looks like day to day.
You might’ve caught my post on heartbreak humor, where I joked that heartbreak is nature’s way of reminding you to re-check your emotional baggage. In all seriousness, if you’re stuck in a pattern of chaotic relationships, the drama may feel familiar. But it doesn’t have to be your normal.
5. You assume you deserve less
Low self-worth is a sneaky villain. It hides behind excuses like “Maybe I’m just not relationship material,” or “I should be happy he’s even texting me back.” This mindset can make you settle for much less than you deserve. If deep down you believe you’re unworthy of a fulfilling partnership, you’ll keep picking people who confirm that belief.
This was a game-changer realization for me. It took a lot of self-reflection (and let’s be honest, some therapy) to realize I was inviting in halfhearted connections because I felt I wasn’t worth more.
As Tony Robbins once said, “The only thing that stops you from getting what you want is the story you keep telling yourself.” When the story is “I’m not enough,” we accidentally seek out partners who mirror that back to us. Changing that script is crucial.
6. Your boundaries are wobbly
Sometimes, the reason you keep ending up with guys who don’t want anything real is that you let them get away with it. Harsh, but bear with me.
I used to give endless second chances, ignoring all the ways someone was showing me they weren’t ready. In my mind, I was being “understanding” and “cool.” In reality, I was being a doormat.
Healthy boundaries help us filter out people who can’t (or won’t) respect our emotional well-being. When you say, “I need consistent communication,” or “I’m looking for something deeper,” and he ghosts for days, that’s your cue to walk.
If you stay, it sends the message that your boundaries are negotiable. It’s easier said than done, but trusting that you can find someone who meets your standards is half the battle.
7. You let hope overshadow reality
Hope can be a wonderful thing—like a spark in the darkness. But sometimes it blinds us. We hold onto one good date or a fleeting weekend of chemistry, ignoring the fact that for the rest of the week, the relationship is basically on life support.
I remember dating a guy who was great two days out of the month. The other 28, I’d be anxiously waiting for a text or call.
But two good days shouldn’t trump 28 bad ones. Susan Cain, in one of her talks, said something along the lines of “We need to embrace the reality of our strengths and weaknesses.”
If we only ever focus on those little sparks—like that one magical night we danced under the stars—we avoid dealing with what’s really happening (or not happening) the rest of the time. Believing in the best version of someone is noble, but not if it keeps you from seeing who they consistently are.
8. You confuse potential with proof
I’ve saved this one for last because, oh boy, is it a biggie. Potential. Doesn’t that word just glimmer with possibility? You see glimpses of who he might be one day, and you hold onto that image like a golden ticket.
I’ve done it plenty of times—waiting for him to “come around” or “grow up” or “fix himself.” Meanwhile, I’m miserable in the present because he’s nowhere near that potential.
The thing is, a relationship thrives on who someone is right now, not who they could be. Clinging to potential is like investing in a startup that’s never shown a profit. Sure, maybe one day it’ll take off, but are you willing to put your emotional well-being on the line for that uncertain payoff?
If there’s one lesson heartbreak has taught me, it’s that a partner’s unfulfilled potential will never fill the gap of a real, loving bond in the present.
Final thoughts
Ultimately, attracting emotionally unavailable guys isn’t just about luck. It’s a pattern rooted in how we see ourselves, what we allow, and what we believe we deserve. Recognizing these underlying themes is the first step toward breaking the cycle—and that can be both a little scary and super liberating.
Just like we do here on Never Liked It Anyway—where we turn breakup baggage into fresh opportunities—once you see the pattern, you can choose differently. There’s no shame in acknowledging the missteps, as long as you find a way to laugh (a little) at them and move on.
My hope is that by shining a light on these eight tendencies, you’ll remember that you hold the power to attract and keep someone who truly wants more than a casual fling. And if you’re ready to let go of more than just emotional baggage, you know where to sell those old relationship remnants, too. Here’s to a fresh start, friends.
