Breaking up is never easy, even when you’re the one who made the decision.
It’s a common misconception that if you’re the one who initiates the breakup, you’re immune to the pain that follows.
But that’s not always the case.
In fact, being the one to call it quits can often leave you grappling with a unique set of emotions.
You might find yourself wondering why it hurts so much when it was your choice to end things.
Here are eight reasons why breakups sting, even when you’re the driver behind the decision.
1) Loss of shared experiences and memories
Breakups are not just about ending a relationship with a person.
They also signify the end of shared experiences and memories which you’ve built over time.
Remember those movie nights, the shared hobbies, or even the favorite coffee shop you both loved to visit?
Well, post-breakup, these common activities suddenly become a painful reminder of what once was.
It’s natural to grieve these lost shared experiences, even when you’re the one who wanted to end the relationship.
This grief can often be mistaken for regret or a sign that you’ve made the wrong decision.
It’s important to understand that it’s okay to mourn these losses.
And letting go of the past opens up space for new experiences and memories.
2) The fear of being alone
I remember when I ended a long-term relationship, one that I knew wasn’t right for me.
I was the one who initiated the breakup, and yet, I still found myself feeling lonely and scared.
Even though I was sure about my decision, the prospect of being alone was frightening.
I was so used to having someone to share my thoughts and experiences with, that the sudden absence left a void.
This fear of being alone can make breakups hurt more than we anticipate.
It’s not just about losing the person, but also adjusting to a new normal where they’re no longer part of your daily routine.
It’s okay to feel this fear.
But it’s also an opportunity to explore life on your own terms, to rediscover yourself, and learn how to enjoy your own company.
3) Our brains are wired for attachment
Neuroscience sheds light on why breakups hurt so much.
When we form close bonds with others, our brains release hormones like oxytocin and vasopressin, which create feelings of attachment and intimacy.
When a relationship ends, even if it’s your decision, your brain still craves the hormones associated with the bond you shared with your ex-partner.
This is similar to withdrawal symptoms experienced by drug users.
Understanding this biological aspect can help you process the pain of a breakup, even when you’re the instigator.
It’s not about regret or making a wrong decision – it’s about your brain adjusting to a new reality.
4) Self-doubt and second-guessing
When you’re the one who decides to end the relationship, you’re often faced with a barrage of questions.
Did I make the right choice?
Could things have improved if we had tried harder?
What if I don’t find someone else?
This self-doubt and second-guessing can make the breakup seem even more painful.
It’s normal to question your decisions, especially when they result in emotional discomfort.
However, remind yourself of the reasons that led to this decision in the first place.
5) The pain of causing someone else’s hurt
Even when you know that breaking up is the right decision, seeing the person you once loved in pain can be heart-wrenching.
It’s a different kind of hurt that stems from empathy and affection you still hold for them.
You might feel guilty for causing them pain and this guilt can intensify your own feelings of hurt.
It’s essential to remember that staying in a relationship that isn’t working isn’t fair to either of you.
Sometimes, causing temporary pain is necessary for long-term happiness.
It takes courage to make such a choice and it’s okay to feel sad about it.
It only proves that you are human and capable of empathy and compassion.
6) Uncertainty about the future
When I ended a significant relationship, one of the things that hit me hardest was the uncertainty about the future.
We had plans, ideas of where we would be in a few years’ time, and suddenly, everything was up in the air.
This uncertainty can be unsettling.
You’re not just saying goodbye to the person but also to the future you envisioned with them.
It’s like losing a piece of your identity that was tied to being part of a couple.
But with time, I realized that this also meant I had a blank canvas.
I could reshape my future the way I wanted.
It was scary but also liberating.
So if you’re dealing with this, remember, it’s okay to feel lost.
It’s okay to take time to figure things out.
You’re opening up to new possibilities and that’s something to look forward to.
7) Breaking a routine
Routine is comforting. It provides a sense of security and stability.
When you’re in a relationship, you develop shared routines and habits.
Maybe it’s a weekly movie night, a daily morning run, or simply texting each other goodnight.
When the relationship ends, these routines get disrupted.
Even if you were the one who wanted the breakup, this abrupt change can feel disorienting and stressful.
Suddenly, there’s a void where these shared activities used to be.
It takes time to adjust and form new habits.
But this is also an opportunity for you to explore new interests and activities that you might have overlooked when you were part of a couple.
8) Healing takes time
This is perhaps the most important thing to remember – healing takes time.
There’s no quick fix or shortcut to getting over a breakup, even if you were the one who initiated it.
You may feel a whirlwind of emotions – from relief and liberation to sadness and regret.
All these feelings are valid and it’s okay to experience them.
The key is to allow yourself the time and space to process these emotions.
Be patient with yourself, practice self-care, and remember, it’s okay to seek help if you need it.
Healing is a journey, not a destination.
The heart of the matter
Love and relationships are complex, intertwining with our emotions, thoughts, and even our biology.
Each relationship we form leaves an imprint on us, shaping who we are and how we perceive the world around us.
When a relationship ends, regardless of who made the decision, it’s common to feel pain.
This pain is a testament to the bond that was once shared, a reflection of our capacity to love and connect deeply with another person.
Breakups hurt, even when you’re the one who wanted it, because they symbolize loss – loss of shared memories, loss of the comfort of routine, and even loss of a part of your identity.
But they also represent growth, change, and new possibilities.
Remember that it’s okay to grieve.
It’s okay to feel the pain.
These feelings are a part of the healing process.
Allow yourself the time you need to heal and grow.
As writer Haruki Murakami said, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
It’s up to you how you choose to navigate through this journey.
Choose self-love, choose healing, choose growth.
In time, you’ll emerge stronger and more resilient than before.
And every end is just a new beginning in disguise.
