Navigating the emotional labyrinth of a friend’s breakup isn’t easy.
Often, our intentions are pure, but our words may not offer the comfort we intend.
This is because certain phrases, though well-intended, can unintentionally cause more harm than good.
In this guide, I’ll share eight phrases you should steer clear of when comforting a friend post-breakup.
1) “There are plenty of fish in the sea…”
Breaking up is tough, it’s like losing a part of yourself.
And while there’s a whole ocean of potential partners out there, your friend may not be ready to hear this.
They’re not on a fishing expedition.
They’re hurting from losing someone they cared deeply about.
Telling them that there are plenty of fish in the sea can feel dismissive of their feelings and the relationship they had.
It turns their unique person into just another “fish”.
Instead, acknowledge their pain and offer support.
They’ll venture back into the sea when they’re ready, no need to rush them.
2) “I told you so…”
We all have that one relationship where we saw the signs from a mile away.
I remember when my best friend was dating this guy who was clearly not good for her.
I tried to warn her, but she was in love and didn’t listen.
When they eventually broke up, my first instinct was to say “I told you so”.
But I didn’t.
Why?
Because saying “I told you so” at such a sensitive time only adds to their pain and can make them feel blamed or foolish.
Instead, I chose to say “You did the best you could with the information you had. It’s okay.”
This allowed her to feel supported and not judged at a time when she needed it most.
3) “Everything happens for a reason…”
While this phrase is often used with the best intentions, it can feel dismissive and invalidating, as if their pain is just a part of some grand plan.
In 2013, a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who are reminded of painful or traumatic experiences feel more negative emotions when they’re told that everything happens for a reason.
Instead of resorting to clichés, try to empathize with their situation and validate their feelings.
This can be as simple as saying, “I’m really sorry you’re going through this.”
4) “You can do better…”
While this might seem like a compliment, it can often come off as judgemental or dismissive of the relationship that just ended.
It implies that their ex wasn’t good enough and can make your friend feel like their feelings weren’t valid.
Instead of this, you could say “You deserve someone who makes you happy.”
This acknowledges their worth without devaluing their past relationship.
5) “It wasn’t meant to be…”
When a relationship ends, hearing “it wasn’t meant to be” can feel like a dismissal of the love and connection that was shared.
It’s as if destiny decided the relationship’s demise, which removes any recognition of the effort and commitment put into it.
Instead, offering a heartfelt sentiment like, “I know how much you loved them, and it’s okay to grieve,” can provide much-needed validation and comfort.
It acknowledges their feelings and allows them space to heal at their own pace.
6) “Time heals all wounds…”
After my own heartbreak, a friend said this to me.
While it was meant to be comforting, it felt dismissive.
It’s true, time can dull the pain, but it doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds.
Some scars can linger and that’s okay.
Instead of resorting to this cliché, try saying something like, “It’s okay to feel this way and take as much time as you need.”
This validates their feelings and reassures them that there is no set timeline for healing.
7) “Just move on…”
Moving on is easier said than done.
This phrase can make your friend feel rushed and can minimize their very real pain.
Everyone heals at their own pace and it’s okay if it takes time.
Instead, reassure them that they have your support.
Saying something like, “Take all the time you need, I’m here for you,” can be much more comforting.
8) “At least you weren’t married/had kids…”
Breakups hurt, regardless of the level of commitment.
Comparing pain levels can feel dismissive and invalidating.
Everyone’s experience and emotions are valid and unique to them.
So, instead of comparing, simply say, “I’m here for you, no matter what.”
This offers your friend unconditional support, which is probably just what they need.
The Power of Empathy
We’ve navigated through the minefield of comforting a friend after a breakup and pinpointed some phrases best left unsaid.
But the heart of the matter goes beyond words. It’s about empathy.
Empathy, according to researcher Dr. Brené Brown, is not connecting to an experience, but connecting to the emotions that underpin the experience.
When a friend is hurting after a breakup, they don’t need advice or platitudes.
They need their feelings acknowledged, their pain validated, and the assurance that they’re not alone.
So, the next time you’re comforting a broken-hearted friend, remember: Your words matter.
And sometimes, the most powerful words are “I’m here for you.”
