Have you ever caught yourself scrolling through old photos and wondering why you still feel that tiny pang in your chest—despite knowing this person wasn’t exactly a saint in your story? If so, you’re not alone.
After one of my breakups, I spent days convincing myself I was over it (and them), only to hear a random playlist song and promptly fall into a wave of nostalgia. Sometimes, we miss people for reasons that have little to do with logic and everything to do with the way our brains—and hearts—are wired.
If you’ve been wrestling with that strange sense of longing, let me walk you through seven possible reasons you might be missing them, even though the relationship wasn’t good for you.
My hope is that by understanding the “why,” you’ll be better equipped to move forward—without second-guessing yourself every time a bittersweet memory sneaks up.
1. Your memory prioritizes the bright spots
Isn’t it annoying how your mind can be super selective when you look back on a relationship? The moments that pop up first are the candlelit dinners, the spontaneous road trips, and the inside jokes you thought nobody else would ever get.
You forget about the arguments in the middle of the grocery store or the nights spent wondering why you were the only one trying.
Our brains have a funny way of protecting us—by filtering memories to keep the pleasant bits on top of the pile. It’s like that rose-tinted Instagram filter, smoothing over the rough edges until everything looks more appealing than it really was.
According to psychology experts like Daniel Goleman, we’re wired to cling to emotionally charged memories, and happy moments often hold a special place. If you find yourself craving them despite their questionable track record, it could just be your mind playing a trick on you.
Recognizing the full picture helps remind me why the breakup needed to happen in the first place.
2. The comfort of routine is hard to shake
I’ve definitely been guilty of missing an ex simply because it felt oddly like missing my favorite morning latte routine.
There’s an established comfort that comes from knowing someone’s habits, jokes, and schedule—much like memorizing your go-to coffee order without looking at the menu. It’s surprisingly comforting, no matter how many red flags might have been flapping in your face.
So, even if your relationship was more heartbreak than harmony, that sense of routine can be tough to let go. When you break up, you’re not just losing a person; you’re losing part of your daily structure. The late-night calls or the Sunday breakfast ritual vanish.
You have to rewrite your life’s routine, and that’s a lot of work. Sometimes it’s easier to long for the old pattern than to build a new one. Don’t let that nostalgia keep you stuck. A fresh start might feel daunting at first, but it also brings with it the chance to create better, healthier routines going forward.
3. Validation is addictive
Let’s be real: compliments feel good, no matter how small. When someone once thought you were the funniest, prettiest, or most interesting person around (even if they were inconsistent about it), that praise can hook you in.
There’s a bit of an ego trip going on, and it’s human nature to like having your ego stroked. The result? We start to crave even the smallest drops of validation from people who once made us feel special.
If, in your relationship, you occasionally felt like the star of the show, those memories can be powerfully addictive. It’s a bit like a sugar rush: sweet at the time but leaving you jittery afterward. You find yourself reminiscing about the high points, even if the low points were downright toxic.
Tony Robbins once said, “Where focus goes, energy flows,” and if we focus too much on those moments of validation, we end up longing for something that was otherwise unhealthy. It helps to step back and ask whether the praise was worth the pain.
4. You’re second-guessing your decision
I’m not usually one to dwell on “what ifs,” but I’ve definitely had a few late-night episodes where I’ve mentally re-enacted the breakup scene. “Could I have done something different? Did I bail too soon?”
If you’ve been there too, you know how it feels to second-guess whether you gave up on something that maybe, possibly, might have gotten better.
It’s especially tricky if the breakup wasn’t triggered by one massive act of betrayal, but by a thousand tiny paper cuts. Did I interpret those warning signs correctly? Did I overreact? When our minds can’t pinpoint a single catastrophic incident, it’s easy to miss them, because we think, “Hey, they weren’t that bad.”
This self-doubt fosters a strange nostalgia, built on the idea that maybe we pulled the plug too early. But trust me, if you ended it, there were valid reasons—never discount the power of your gut instincts. They often see the full picture even when your conscious mind is trying to rationalize everything.
5. You attach missing them to missing yourself
This one snuck up on me a few years back. I realized I wasn’t so much missing my ex as I was missing the version of myself who was madly in love with them
. I craved the carefree, fun side of me that existed in the early honeymoon phase. I missed how adventurous I felt, how certain I was that life was unfolding beautifully.
That sense of loss for who you used to be can get tangled up with missing the actual person. It’s like a big bowl of emotional spaghetti—hard to separate one strand from another. If that’s the case, focusing on rediscovering the parts of yourself you loved can help ease the ache.
After all, you’re still you, even if the relationship is over. Journaling or trying new hobbies can help you see that the qualities you loved about yourself aren’t dependent on someone else’s presence. They’re part of your story, and you can tap into them anytime.
6. Familiar drama can be strangely reassuring
Let’s talk about drama. Even if it was stressful, it was also predictable in its own twisted way. When you’re with someone who’s not good for you, sometimes you get caught up in a cycle: fight, make up, fight again.
You might roll your eyes at how dysfunctional it felt, but the truth is, that cycle can become your default setting—like a soap opera you keep tuning in to watch.
When the drama disappears, you can feel strangely bored or unmoored. The calm can make you uncomfortable because you’ve gotten used to the storm. So, it’s not that you miss the drama itself (who wants endless fights?), but maybe you miss the adrenaline rush, the intensity, the cycle you once knew so well.
It’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but acknowledging it can help you keep your distance. There’s plenty of excitement to be found in healthy ways—like picking up a new activity that energizes you—rather than rehashing toxic cycles.
7. Your heart doesn’t follow a strict timeline
As much as I’d love for healing to be a neat, linear process—like a workout plan with guaranteed results in six weeks—emotions don’t stick to a predictable schedule.
You might do everything “right”: delete their number, sell off mementos on Never Liked It Anyway (shameless plug, but seriously, it works), and spend time working on yourself. Even so, you can still get blindsided by a surge of longing at any point.
Our hearts can be stubbornly nostalgic, and sometimes they circle back for a final spin on the merry-go-round of memories. That doesn’t mean you made a mistake. It just means your emotional side is still processing the breakup, possibly in layers.
And just because the missing part is still popping up doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Emotions are valid, but they’re not always instructions. When you can accept that missing them is normal—without letting it derail your progress—you’ll be one step closer to genuine peace.
Final Thoughts
If you’re still catching yourself missing someone who didn’t treat you right, take a deep breath—it doesn’t mean you’re hopelessly stuck or that you made the wrong choice.
It means you’re human, with memories, routines, and hopes that sometimes collide in confusing ways. Missing them is part of your healing story, not a sign that you should rush back into a flawed dynamic.
By understanding these seven reasons, you can cut through the noise of self-doubt and see the bigger picture: You deserve better. So keep reflecting, but don’t let that nostalgia pull you off track.
If you need an extra push, consider turning those painful reminders into fresh possibilities—whether that’s a new hobby, a new mindset, or even a decluttering session. Because every ending can be a creative catalyst, and I promise, you’re on the cusp of a story that’s far more uplifting than you might think.
