Hi, human being here! I’m here to teach you a couple of things about common courtesy and social etiquette. You see, for some reason, when it comes to women, people think it’s okay to say things that you just normally wouldn’t say to a human being if you’re trying to be polite. And before anybody gets annoyed with this generalization, yes, men can be asked some pretty rude things, too. However, I’ve thoroughly researched these statements with fellow women, and the conclusion is clear: almost every woman, at some point in her life, has been asked or told one or more of these extremely annoying statements, and that’s something probably not matched by men. And we’re tired of it! If you’re bad at small talk, that’s something you need to work on, because we’re sick of these substitutions that you think pass for polite conversation. Read on and take note, because if you earn yourself an eye roll (which is letting you off easy, really) the next time you say one of these things, it’s nobody’s fault but your own.
1. “Do you want kids?”
Maybe I do, maybe I don’t- either way, it’s none of your business unless you’re my significant other. If/when I’m pregnant, I’ll let you know. Maybe.
2. “Why are you single?”
Because I want to be!
(Also everyone I’ve ever dated has been a douche.)
3. “Aren’t you going to be cold in that?”
I don’t care who asks this- friend, boyfriend, parents- your concern is unnecessary. No, I probably won’t be cold. And if I am, it’s the suffering I’ve chosen for myself in order to look cute. So leave me alone, I don’t need a jacket throwing off my outfit aesthetic.
4. “What’s your secret?”
There is no secret. Everything I’ve accomplished has been a result of me flailing around helplessly, and luck. Pure luck.
Honestly, I’m just capable and talented. Why do I have to have a secret? Am I incompetent or something? I need a cheat to get by? Rude.
5. “Why aren’t you smiling?”/ “Smile!”
I’m not smiling because I’m a human being, just like you, and I’m allowed to have a bad days. I don’t sh*t rainbows and unicorns all the time, and I don’t owe you anything. If you’re uncomfortable in my presence on one of my bad days, you’re probably part of the problem.
Also, I’m frowning because I’ve decided it’s to be somebody’s funeral today, just not sure who yet. You’re a good contender.
6. “Did you lose weight?”
So what if I did? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Your tone is confusing. And why are you watching my weight so closely? I hadn’t been until this comment. Now I’m wondering if I should be. Thanks a lot.
7. “You look really tired.”
In other words, ugly. You look ugly. Thanks, that’s what I was going for.
Also, I know when I’m tired. You don’t need to tell me when I look the part, too. A cordial “How are you doing?” should satisfy your curiosity instead.
8. “Don’t worry, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.”
Did the thought ever occur to you that maybe I’m not interested into moving onto the next just yet? I swam in that sea and all I saw was a bunch of douchebags. I’m avoiding the sea, but thanks. I’ll stick to dry land.
9. “Is that another new outfit?”
In fact, it is! You see, there’s this thing people do when they’re tired of their old clothes, and it’s called buying new clothes. You should try it. You might actually stop blasting my shopping “addiction” as a result.
10. “If I were your age, I would date you!”
This is so wrong on so many levels. For one thing, if you were my age, you still wouldn’t have a chance. Second, is that supposed to be some kind of consolation or compliment? Because I’m just thoroughly grossed out. Hop off, grandpa.